


Doctor Who and the Poisoned Pop Tarts

by Sleuth_Hound



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: 1990s food, 20th century culture, Classic Doctor Who - Freeform, Classic Who Companions Are Awesome, Dinner, Dinner time for the TARDIS crew, Do the TARDIS crew ever eat?, Doctor/Companion Friendship, Experimenting with 20th century cuisine, Exploring the TARDIS, Family Dinners, Gen, Having dinner in the TARDIS, Inside the TARDIS (Doctor Who), Jamie McCrimmon vs the TARDIS toaster, Jamie attacks a toaster, Jamie being his usual brave self, Life in the TARDIS, Second Doctor Era, TARDIS Rooms, The Doctor showing his companions new experiences, Toasters, Victoria being open minded, We never get to see it, pop tarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleuth_Hound/pseuds/Sleuth_Hound
Summary: The Doctor decides to experiment with something new for dinner.
Relationships: Jamie McCrimmon & Victoria Waterfield, Second Doctor & Jamie McCrimmon, Second Doctor & Jamie McCrimmon & Victoria Waterfield, Second Doctor & Victoria Waterfield
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Doctor Who and the Poisoned Pop Tarts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Classic Whovians! This little and rather silly story came to me ages ago when I was considering why we never see The Doctor and his companions ever actually have meals or eat at all really. I also liked the idea of how baffling a toaster would seem to someone who'd never seen one. And who better to have such chaotic, toaster-related madness with then the Second Doctor (my favourite) with Jamie and Victoria (also my favourites)? Sadly (or perhaps not so sadly depending on what you think of it), it remained uncompleted on my laptop for years and now I've finally added final sentences of it's completion! 
> 
> Doctor Who is the property of the BBC  
> Created in humble awe of the original Doctor Who actors who created a world and bunch of friends I wouldn't wish to live without.

Somehow, the Doctor had lost the dining room. Victoria wasn’t quite sure how you could do that but you could bet that if anyone could, the Doctor would manage to lose an entire room in his ‘house’. _Granted, it was a vast house. A vast, time-travelling house._ After expressing her feelings of missing her old life, the Doctor had tried small little ways to make her feel more at home, and this dinner was supposed to be one of them. It was a sweet gesture, but this was the fifth time of being promised a ‘family dinner’; just like she used to remember, with silver cutlery and napkins, side plates and sturdy oak chairs that forced you into an attentive posture. 

_And small talk. Glorious, British small talk. Instead to reminiscing over aliens and creatures they had battled and befriended, they might even talk about the weather._

Not to mention, wonderful food with wafting aromas escaping to announce their arrival, offering teasing hints to what was to come.  
But after the fifth time, Victoria was even beginning to doubt the existence of this fabled dining room and the Plutonian candelabra that allegedly centred it. It wasn’t that she believed the Doctor to be lying exactly. More like, wanted to keep her hopes up and give her something to look forward to in his good-intentioned sort of way. When Victoria arrived in the make-shift dining room on the TARDIS (aka the console room) she was greeted by a peculiar smell and even more peculiar sight. The smell that hung thick like a fog in the air was definitely artificial - sweet and sickly - but with a vague resemblance to strawberries. That, and the smell of general burning. The sight, however, put the strange essence straight to the back of her mind as she stared in bewilderment. 

The bizarre image that unfolded before her was Jamie - dirk drawn and crouched ready to strike - snarling at what appeared, to Victoria’s understanding of the modern world, to be a rather simplistic, white plastic toaster. The Doctor, arms outstretched, was standing defensively in front of it in order to prevent Jamie from launching his attack. 

“Jamie, really...” the Doctor began disapprovingly.

“Wasnea my fault! Yon beastie pounced!” Jamie protested, withdrawing his attention, only slightly, from his foe. Whatever, attack this creature was about unleash, Jamie would be ready. 

Victoria broke away from her astonishment to give an amused smile, Jamie reminded her so of one of the Royal Guards back home, always alert and ready to put himself in danger for his companions. _Even if the danger was a kitchen appliance._

“Jamie,” the Doctor spoke firmly yet softly, your “beastie”, as you call it, is a toaster.”

“Eh?”

“A device for cooking bread.”

“Are ye sure yer understand how dangerous this “toaster” is, Doctor? It _did_ attack me!” Still not convinced by the _‘beasties’_ benign intentions, Jamie watch closely for any sudden movements but gradually began to drop his guard.  
“Well...” the Doctor’s voice trailed off as he remembered a few occasions with burnt fingers and something he’d heard about not inserting cutlery inside but decided not to inform Jamie of these as they would only confuse the bizarre situation further. “Completely harmless.” He smiled his most reassuring _trust me_ face and Jamie was warily convinced. Replacing his dirk, he eyed the toaster a careful warning not to try anything.

Victoria shouldn’t have been so surprised; almost every mealtime involved something odd or unusual happening (if you could call life with the Doctor ever _usual_ ). Frankly, she was surprised they ever actually got an opportunity to eat at all. Feeling like she’d been ignored for long enough, she announced her presence with a subtle, lady-like “ah-hem”. Both jumped a mile at the unnoticed third party and pretended in vain to ignore the events of the last 10 minutes. Jamie, in particular, looked embarrassed and tried not to meet Victoria’s gaze.  
Fortunately, the Doctor distracted their attention with perfect timing. _He was a Timelord after all._

“Victoria, just in time!” and beaming, he produced a steaming pile of slightly crisp looking... _somethings._ Aware of the baffled expressions of his companions, the Doctor explain, “They’re called _‘Pop Tarts’_ placing the plateful on the floor between Victoria and Jamie who seated themselves beside it. The Doctor joined them, “found them in a cupboard from my last little trip to the late 20th century.” As if to add some comfort to their uncertainty he added, “they did come highly recommended.” Victoria wasn’t sure if Jamie felt it was his duty to test anything unknown before her or just was simply curious as he cautiously reached out and took an exploratory bite of the crunchy and gooey substance. His face instantly recoiled into a grimace, “och! Doctor, that’s revoltin’!” And shot the toaster a venomous stare, “I knew yon beastie was up tae no good!” 

At this news, Victoria was even less convinced this was a sensible idea and cautiously only took a tiny bite. She pulled an equally repulsed expression which only further confirmed to Jamie that this _toaster_ was a creature of malice. Sloshing water into glasses, Jamie offered one to Victoria, face still drawn into an expression of distaste, and both quickly drained the glasses of their content. Pouring himself more water, he addressed the Doctor accusingly who looked perplexed by the unfolding events, “there ya see! Yon beastie tried tae poison us!”

Amusement flooded the Doctor’s features and he laughed heartily; “oh, stop exaggerating you two!” He ceremoniously plucked a single Pop Tart from the pile and held it before him as if to examine it. “It may be different from what you’re used to but we must be open to new things.” _That’s easy for him to say_ thought Victoria sullenly, she’d felt like she’d had quite enough _new things_ recently to last her a lifetime.

The Doctor took an enthusiastic bite of his Pop Tart and smiled pleasantly as he carefully chewed it as if analysing and mentally recording the whole process. His smile didn’t stay for long. His whole face sagged like an instant increase in gravity and his chirpy mood followed. First, he simply looked bemused by the new experience, then he looked more puzzled, and for the briefest moment, he actually looked close to actual enjoyment but this mood quickly reversed to one of definite distaste. He beckoned urgently at Jamie to hand him water and gratefully (if not elegantly) downed the contents in one. Meanwhile, his companions who had looked upon this spectacle were unsure how to react. They waited for an eternity for the Doctor to voice his feelings as he opened his mouth to speak, waited, shook his head and rushed to pour another glass of water which he drank instantly. Finally, when he’d dramatically swallowed the last glug of the liquid, he spoke; “blimey!”

It was now the Doctor’s turn to eye the toaster suspiciously. “Yes... I see what you mean Jamie. No doubt the _Cybermen_ or perhaps _Yeti_ enjoy such treats for their tea but I think I’ll give this one a miss.” And, wiping his hands on his frock coat, he collected the hazardous plate with steam still billowing and placed them into a concealed panel in the main control panel. The Doctor swiftly prodded a few buttons in a random-looking pattern and grinned mischievously. Victoria and Jamie joined him at the console and waited for him to explain. When no explanation seemed forthcoming, Victoria, broke the suspense, 

“Doctor, what’s that down there?” she pointed to the panel that she’d previously never noticed.

“That, Victoria”, the Doctor smiled gleefully, “is a matter-transporter. It transports... Well, matter I suppose.”

“So...” Victoria understood most of her science from either her father or the Doctor and was finding this concept a little tricky to comprehend. “If everything is made of matter...” she spoke slowly as if contemplating and carefully considering her next sentence, “then a matter-transporter can...?” realisation struck her at once, “a _matter_ -transporter can beam any object anywhere!”  
“Well done Victoria!”

Jamie hadn’t said much as he’d grappled with all the talk of technology and science but now felt he understood enough to contribute. “So, if ye transported yon matter-tarts; where did they go?” 

“Ah ha,” the Doctor had that familiar mischievous glint in his deep eyes would usually only spelled trouble for himself and his companions. Tapping the side of his nose in the conspiratorial gesture of secrecy, he shot them both a wink; “that would be telling. Let’s just say that the people of my home planet have never experienced 20th century Earth’s breakfast cuisine either and I think it’s about time that they were _enlightened._ ” 

Victoria looked a little confused and with furrowed brow at how anyone would want to attempt _that_ , questioned; “but Doctor, that whatever-it-was was positively revolting. Surely your people won’t like that one bit!”

The Doctor’s eyes twinkled with Puckish delight and face was set into a fixed smile of pure amusement and joviality when he spoke; “no Victoria, my dear, I don’t believe they will.”


End file.
